I'm not sharing because I wan't people to feel sad or pity for me. I'm sharing because I want people to know the struggle that I've had and how I have over come the heartaches I have experienced.
I didn’t have the worst of life growing up but there it could have been better. I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania. It was my brother, my mother, and I. My dad wasn’t there and that's where the abandonment issues began. I have struggled in this life a lot thinking I wasn't good enough. In 2013 three years after high school was over I found myself in life as a cross country truck driver. I was content at the time traveling and seeing new places and getting to have new experiences. Before that I was working at a local Walmart. Working at that Walmart was a horrible experience. It left me stressed out a lot and a lot of the time I would go to a mountain side behind the Walmart where it was nice alone and quiet and relieve some of the stress. Sometimes that would consist of yelling which luckily I was isolated so no one could hear me. Working inside the Walmart store was so much that I had to get out and find something better and that's what led me to trucking. Of course this made it very difficult to have a social life so I did a lot of online dating. At the end of 2013 I met a girl who would change my life forever. Her name was Claire. We only dated for 6 months but she left a mark that still lives today with me. She was my first true love. She inspired my life in so many ways. she sparked my passion for concerts Winterjam specifically. We did not have a great start to the relationship but in the time we were together we lived and loved very deeply. Through her I learned what love was and what true love was because even till this day I love her. Even though she's moved on and is happy with another. Even though I'm sure she doesn’t think about me. I still love her. It's easy to say you love someone who loves you back but what if someone didn't think about you didn't feel anything for you. Hated you. Would you still be able to say you love them because that's what real love is. I don’t know about now but at the time I loved her and she loved me. I have kept some of our messages and pictures and sometimes when I am feeling alone I will look through them to remember a time when love was real and love was true. We sadly didn’t get to finish our story because her parents didn’t agree with my skin color and punished her and us for the love we were trying to pursue. Our dating didn’t only affect the relationship she had with here parents but it also did with my mother and I. I was supporting my mother in Pennsylvania financially and when I told my Mom I was intending to move to Ohio to be closer to the girl I loved not only did she disown me but she tried to the best of her ability to destroy the life I had built for myself any way possible. My mother stopped loving me and stopped telling me that she did. I can remember one day directly asking her and she refused to acknowledge me. This turn of events left me so hurt and so emotionally scared I was devastated. A couple days after my mother final vicious attack I moved to Ohio and was finally with the girl i loved and that July 4th weekend she went to Tennessee with family where I didn't hear from her for 5 whole days then when she came back she decided she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was beyond crushed between these 2 significant events happening. I couldn’t take it anymore and I cut my wrist that night because not only did I lose 1 person who was so special to me but I lost 2. After that I awoke the next morning and somehow pushed forward. I didn’t go back to Pennsylvania and I didn't stay in Ohio instead I went to Indiana. I needed something new. I needed to get away from the pain. In Indiana it wasn’t easy. I had barely anything and I knew no one and had no support so mentally and emotionally it was a challenge. I eventually tried dating again. I ended up with a girl from Pennsylvania and she moved in with me. We were okay and happy for a while until I noticed she started wearing makeup more and coming home from work late. It turns out she found an older married guy at work and decided to see what her opportunities were with him. I loved her so I forgave her and she did it to me again. I don't know why but for some reason I didn't learn my lesson so I gave her a third chance thinking she would change but sadly she didn't. After the third time it was clear she wasn’t going to change so we ended up parting ways and that night I again got so emotionally destroyed that I wanted to die. After being up all night I heard a voice saying try church again and with bloody arms I walked into that church service. That day I was saved and found hope and felt like I was cared for and loved again. I made a lot of friends throughout that church and that church linked me to another program called 180 where I met a couple more people. Paul and I became good friends and we had a lot of brotherly love. He actually helped me start this website. We talked about a lot of things and I felt open and safe with him to tell him anything. He knew about my struggles with depression and the abandonment that I had endured from the past so he believed that a lot of my issues were from social media and Facebook specifically. So he made me choose one day between our relationship or deleting Facebook and I lost him because i couldn't do what he asked of me because i believe that it's been on my heart to reach people lost and broken using social media as a platform. I also believe it's important to accept people for who they are and not try to force change. After that happened I ended up moving to Tennessee. So to summarize all of this my life continues to be this roller coaster of ups and downs and expect for a couple of true people in my life most of the time when i open the door to let someone in they come in then there is love or kindness for a little bit then they disappear and i feel abandoned and alone again and for me as someone who's gone through this repeated emotional trauma over and over again I understand how hard it can be for someone to feel completely alone in the world because up to this day I feel completely alone in this world and through that pain and through that suffering it gives me a fire to want to be there for people who might feel the same way. Everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves to feel like they are enough. Everyone deserves to feel like they are not alone.